Top 50 things we learned from watching the World Cup

As the 2010 World Cup finals draw to close, what have we actually learned?

Throughout the tournament MirrorFootball's crack squad of football analysts and gagsmiths (but mainly gagsmiths) have been picking the bones out of proceedings for your daily enjoyment.

So crack open a beer of the day, sit back and have a giggle or two at this lot, courtesy of  Dan Silver, Steve Anglesey, Rob Burnett and Ian Cruise:

Day 1 - Opening ceremony, South Africa v Mexico, France v Uruguay

1) Nothing says 'the World Cup finals' more than a giant silver anamatronic dung beetle pushing a football. Did the organisers watch last night?

2) And, apart from Sepp Blatter, no-one sums up the dignity of the World Cup more than opening ceremony star R Kelly, who during the 1994 finals managed to marry a 15-year-old girl and two years ago faced trial for unlawful sex with a 14-year-old (he was cleared). The guy who crooned the refrain of Biggie's masterful "F***ing You Tonight" and wrote the lyrics: "You remind me of my jeep, I wanna ride it."

3) Best name of the opening ceremony? Hip Hop Pantsula.

4) During proceedings, a Scotsman in the MirrorFootball office declared that he "hated opening ceremonies". Like he's ever had reason to watch one.

5) We don't doubt the excellent Steven Pienaar's patriotism for a minute, but there must be times when South Africa's best player by a mile wished he had been born in a country with a better standard of footballers. Like Wales, say. Or San Marino.

Day 2 - Argentina v Nigeria

6) BBC TV pundit Mick McCarthy was scathingly critical of Nigeria's marking for Argentina's opening goal, but he should have cut them some slack. After all, Heinze has 57 varieties of corner routine so they can't be expected to pick him up every time...

Day 3 - Algeria v Slovenia, Ghana v Serbia, Germany v Australia

7) After their HD cock-up on Saturday, ITV's screens again went blank during Ghana v Serbia. Fans immediately began a campaign for the channel to stage their next blackout for the whole duration of the highlights from Algeria v Slovenia.

8) Algeria fan Zinedine Zidane was pictured in the crowd surrounded by bodyguards. Good call - some madman could easily have come up and nutted him in the chest.

9) Quite apt that Australia had Chipperfield at full-back, because their defence was a total circus.

Day 4 - Holland v Denmark, Japan v Cameroon, Italy v Paraguay

10) That horrible droning noise was heard again during Italy v Paraguay. Yes, it's a mystery why the BBC continue to employ Mick McCarthy.

Day 5 - New Zealand v Slovakia, Portugal v Ivory Coast, Brazil v North Korea

11) There was much disappointment at MirrorFootball Towers when it became apparent that the veteran of 32 caps for Portugal, goalkeeper Quim, was not going to be seen in South Africa. Apparently, he's been trimmed from the squad. Just when you thought he'd be a shoo-in to take on a Brazilian...

Day 6 - Chile v Honduras, Switzerland v Spain, Uruguay v South Africa

12) The standard way to stop England fans sniggering like schoolboys at the surname of Chile's number three is to insist on the South Americans pronunciation of ' Pon-say'. So well done to ITV idiot-in-chief (and how much competition is there for that title?) Jon Champion for making a bad situation even worse, and opting instead for 'Waldo Poncey'.

Day 7 - Argentina v South Korea, Nigeria v Greece, France v Mexico

13) With 40 minutes played this looked like being a walkover for the Argentines. So dominant were they and so timid were their opposition, that until they scored we were beginning to wonder if the South Koreans had confused the half way line with the 48th parallel.

14) The Nigerians looked good early on, but then they'd been offered £1m per man to make the knockout stage. According to the email, all they had to do is send off their bank details and the money will be put in their account within 28 days.

Day 8 - Germany v Serbia, Slovenia v USA, England v Algeria

15) Birthplace of Miroslav Klose, sent off for Germany against Serbia? Poland. Birthplace of Lukas Podolski, who missed a penalty for Germany against Serbia? Poland. First place invaded by Hitler's Germany in 1939? Poland. Have we just witnessed the most protracted revenge act in history? Well no, probably not.

16) Seen your keeper lobbed humiliatingly from long-range? Then been robbed by a scandalous refereeing decision in the final minutes? Welcome to football, America! Good, isn't it?

Day 9 - Holland v Japan, Australia v Ghana, Denmark v Cameroon

17) Ghana might not be the best team at the World Cup, but they are certainly the most intelligent. After all, they have got two members of Mensah in their squad.

18) The poor old Aussies had a man sent off in the first half for the second game in a row. After Tim Cahill saw red in the opener against Germany, Harry Kewell got his marching orders for handball against Ghana. It did look a bit harsh. After all, didn't the ref know Harry was playing by Aussie Rules?

Day 10 - Slovakia v Paraguay, New Zealand v Italy, Brazil v Ivory Coast

19) We're sure that there wasn't a neutral on the planet who wasn't willing Chris Wood's late long-range effort to creep inside the post and into the back of Italy's net. Although it's thought that there are a few thousand sheep back in New Zealand who are now breathing a sigh of relief that it didn't...

Day 10 - Portugal v North Korea, Switzerland v Chile, Spain v Honduras    

20) Switzerland were pretty abject as they surrendered meekly to Chile, in the process becoming the first team at this World Cup finals to fail to manage a single shot on target. Rumours that Fabio Capello was last night checking Emile Heskey's passport to see if he was actually born in Zurich are yet to be confirmed.

Day 11 - France v South Africa, Mexico v Uruguay, Argentina v Greece, South Korea v Nigeria

21) With the drama of France v South Africa on the main channel, Mexico v Uruguay was shown on ITV4 and was seen by two men and a dog. Jubilant ITV4 controllers later issued a press release celebrating a 33% ratings increase and welcoming the dog to their family of viewers.

22) Javier Hernandez was so delighted at hearing Mexico had qualified for the next stage that he jumped up with his hands in the air. Then the team-mate next to him jumped up with his hands in the air, then the team-mate next to him jumped up with his hands in the air, then...

23) Argentina's 82 per cent possession against Greece was the World Cup's best for 44 years. But then Maradona's always been keen on possession...

Day 13 - Italy v Slovakia, New Zealand v Paraguay, Japan v Denmark, Holland v Cameroon

24) So it's arrivederci to the world champions. Or as David Pleat so brilliantly said on Radio Five Live: "Italy can say au revoir."

25) So, with respect to Stephen Fry, who tweeted this earlier on, the World Cup starts to resemble World War II. France leave early, the US turn up at the last minute, Italy fold up when it matters and England are left fighting the Germans. [NB: this was a fresh gag at the time...]

26) Holland had a lot of success down one of the flanks. They can pass, the Dutchies, on the left-hand side.

Day 14 - Portugal v Brazil, Ivory Coast v North Korea, Honduras v Switzerland, Spain v Chile

27) No surprise that the CHiPS were down for someone called Estrada. No idea what the Chilean did to make Fernando Torres lie on the ground for three minutes with his head in his hands - one theory is that he accidentally tripped the Spaniard, the other is that he told him Roy Hodgson was about to be named Liverpool's new manager.

Day 15 - Uruguay v South Korea, USA v Ghana

28) Uruguay versus South Korea wasn't a game for the defensive purists. The first two goals both came about from rear guard actions of the dog's dinner variety. Which, funnily enough, is almost an anagram of what the Korean FA were believed to be rustling up for the celebratory post-match meal had their side won...

29) You could forgive Bolton's Lee Chung-yong for feeling a little disorientated while celebrating his second-half equaliser. What with the white-shirted team-mates charging towards him through near-torrential rain in front of thousands of empty seats, he must have thought for a minute he'd passed out and woken up in the Reebok Stadium.

30) We'd love to know what seat neighbours Mick Jagger and Bill Clinton talked about at half-time during USA's match with Ghana. Presumably there was talk of not getting any satisfaction, honky tonk women and sticky fingers. And Mick might have managed to get a few words in edgeways as well...

Day 18 - Holland v Slovakia, Brazil v Chile

31) Another excellent Sneijder performance will surely resurrect interest from Manchester United. Which would give Sir Alex Ferguson two orange footballers called Wesley.

Day 19 - Japan v Paraguay, Spain v Portugal

32) Horror film Ringu, aka The Ring, featured a mysterious Japanese video that brought agonising death to all who saw it. And now we know what was on the tape: The first 120 minutes of their match against Paraguay. After witnessing his tactics, could coach Takeshi Okada be the first-ever Japanese with no ambition whatsoever?

33) So it's farewell to Japan. Yes, Matsui had great vision. Yes, Honda had a good engine. But Komano? They'll regret putting him on...

34) Poor tournament for Steven Gerrard. Poor tournament for Fernando Torres. Great tournament for Roy Hodgson.

Day 22 - Holland v Brazil, Uruguay v Ghana

35) "I've really prepared for this World Cup. I know that I can't afford to get sent off and leave Brazil with a man short." The words of Felipe Melo on the eve of Brazil's first match of the tournament. Not only did he see red for stamping on Arjen Robben he also scored an own goal - the first Brazil have ever conceded at a World Cup - as Brazil crashed out. Will he get the full Becks-post-France-98 treatment back in Brazil?

36) Dunga always said he wanted to turn Brazil into a European team, and now he has. World Cup exit at the quarter final stage after taking an early lead? He's only gone and turned them into England. Now if only we could complete the opposite process with Fabio's rabble...

Day 24 - Germany v Argentina, Paraguay v Spain

37) Perusing the Argentinean bench, we couldn't help but notice that Argentina striker Sergio Aguero has his nickname 'Kun' printed on the back of his shirt. This is blatant favoritism by FIFA. As such, the campaign to allow Emile Heskey to have 'Donkey' on the back of his starts here!

38) At last we can definitively answer that perennial question, who ate all the pies? Waddle forward Leonardo DiCaprio. Apparently he only turned up at the game to get the number of Diego Maradona's tailor...

Day 26 - Holland v Uruguay

39) Big news pre-kickoff was Jim Beglin's illness leaving Clive Tyldesley alone in the commentary booth. Rumour has it that Robbie Earle phoned up to ask if 40 of his Dutch mates could share the spare seat.

40) The result delighted millions of replica-kit wearing Dutch fans in Amsterdam and hundreds of replica-kit wearing Dutch fans in Guantanamo Bay.

41) You've got to wonder how the match would have gone if Uruguay's regular keeper Luis Suarez had been available.

42) "If I was the Dutch coach, I'd be positive now," said Kevin Keegan at half-time. Leaving a nation to chorus, "if you were the Dutch coach, I'd be positive they'd be on the beach now."

43) The Dutch played against national stereotypes. Didn't go to pot. Didn't make a hash of it. Weren't satisfied with the draw.

Day 27 - Spain v Germany

44) Before the match even got going, news came through from France that William Gallas has continued to stir up trouble, by saying Raymond Domenech was useless. Two weeks after they got knocked out and they're still fighting - that's longer than they manage in most wars.

45) The match was certainly lacking in clear cut chances in the first half as both sides played a cautious game, prompting the inevitable chess comparisons. Do spectators at exciting chess matches turn to each other and say, 'This is brilliant - just like watching a game of football'?

46) *Blows dust off filing cabinet marked 'Warning: Very Old Jokes Contained Within', clears throat.* Spain were just like Wayne Rooney on Mastermind: pass, pass, pass...

47) Does anyone else want the BBC's bus to end up like the one at the end of the Italian Job?

Day 30? - Germany v Uruguay

48) You should never slate your football purist mate who smugly stayed in to watch the game after musing: "Well aaaactually the third-place play-off is often the best game because both teams have got nothing really to lose..."

49) Is Diego Forlan the biggest closet Man City fan there has ever been? The man is an absolute monster of a player! Was he winding Fergie up during his time at Old Trafford?

50) A James Corden trailer can still put a downer on an otherwise entertaining night.